Late Night Mumble

Sitting in the dark at this late hour. Can't sleep. There's nothing wrong except that impending career change. Do I remain in a current role, or move inside? Either way, I'm certain the income will be better. What is there to lose? With as much knowledge that I have, even if it were to all end, and there was a cut in my near future, I can hold my head up and say, "Joe, you've done alright." Such a positive feeling.

Ernest Hemingway wrote in For Whom the Bell Tolls, "Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be. But what will happen in all the other days that ever come can depend on what you do today." This thought and living motto creed I have lived. Some of which extremely satisfying and others painful like a roaring fire to the skin. How does one teach this or learn it for that matter? Answer: it cannot be taught to another orally - merely lived and observed, while paying constant attention to the cause and effects of being. Experience. Learning. Willing to walk through changes to grow better. 

What have I done today through actions to grow? 

The day is over - it no longer counts. Tomorrow it begins again while striving towards progress and excellence.

No Coincidence

For many years, I've been of the firm belief that there really aren't too many coincidences. The girl that left, the change of jobs, a move, the people I interact with... On one hand I'd like to think that I listen to that gut reaction. On the other hand, things are chosen for me - they are almost forced upon me. Take that one instance of having to leave a relationship. That one I thought would never end. It involved a move away and then back again within two miles of where I left off. Different person - different circumstances.

At the time I could say it was the worst thing ever. Now, as I drive by the old place, I am reminded that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. It wasn't an easy travel either. As a matter of fact, this blog originated (under a different name) back at that previous location. When I flip through the thoughts penned out throughout that time, I am reminded that while things got crazy, I am happy and enthralled with the new life - a new life reinvented around love, passion, compassion and living life being real and true to whom we are. Nothing can be more satisfying than that - that feeling of knowing I made the right decisions, working my ass off, walking through the fire yet again, and remained true to myself. To me, there is nothing more important than that.

The Chef's Lesson

There are times when we look back and say that we wish we had one more opportunity to do something. If we could have just had that moment of clarity to have a made a different decision. You know.. That general sense of regret. I had such a moment. As many know, I'm a wiz in the kitchen. Experience. Learning. Tasting. Burning bacon and other acts of culinary treason. As with so many other greats, they got there by mirroring those they admire the most. This is my story. The one I admired the most in the kitchen? Mom.

What the hell drew me to standing in the kitchen with her night after night I have no idea. Turn the calendar to present day, I would be given the opportunity to be standing together with her while cooking yet again. Frail, I proceed to cook alone a meal similar to those of my childhood. Cane in hand, an offering to play sous chef brought mixed emotions. I'm thinking: Let her relax while I take care of for a change. In reality, it was a call back to the old days - mother and son side-by-side one more time. It was her need to feel useful and our joy of creating the emotion that comes from eating and making an amazing meal together. I pray it won't be the last.

Avoid regret - embrace the present moment.

Mine That Bird

In 2009, a relatively unknown horse by the name of "Mine That Bird," a 50:1 long shot, came from dead last in the pack to win the Kentucky Derby. Even the announcers were stunned and can't form their words correctly to describe what is unfolding before their eyes. Relive the race:

The lesson was taught into me over years of trial and failure that I always need to remain optimistic. I'm the first to admit to you that after denial and failure perceived and/or real for a long period of time, it is so easy to slip into a fatalistic mindset. This isn't depression - this is normal. After years of no hope and failure to achieve my dreams, I became numb with the idea that life was always going to be worthless. This had the potential to cause reckless behavior. It was only until I had someone ask me, "Why can't you go back to college?" did that revitalizing emotion come back that I should envision success. It was only until I became a life long learner willing to ask others for help and direction did my life improve. Most importantly, I took every suggestion that was given to me. I was worth it. I moved out of Florida to North Carolina. This is huge to someone willing to simply be content with nothing. I achieved my mini goals. Above all else - Courage, courage and more courage. Never give up. Take action. I became most convinced that I needed no one for my emotional happiness except for my love affair of dogs. That is one connection I may never break my emotional dependence on. I would have never arrived at this state without going through all of that and my darkest day, hour and moment. Even today I look for the next success. It's a life long journey. If it all ended today, I could say, "You know what? I did pretty damn good."

A Walk in the Dark

Have you ever had that moment when you realize you have absolutely no clue where you're headed, and your scared shitless? How about in life? I did. But I never realized that I had one of the most important of life's lessons or directions the whole time - I would live in North Carolina. Hey, at least I had a direction. Its not a major life goal. I know this. However, subconsciously, it went hand-in-hand with a major one to overcome fear.

The story goes back to when I was a wee boy. Imagine traveling up to your folks second place in the mountains. I hated sleeping in the pitch black room by myself. I wasn't supposed to sleep in my brother's room because I was scared. I'm a city boy for crying out loud. The city lights of South Florida never allowed the stars to shine too brightly. When the bear came running up the side of the house, grunting and knocking over the trash cans right outside my window I would never be the same again emotionally or spiritually. I would always be reliant on someone else for my emotional security.

This point was cemented in stone later on in life. One early morning while hunting, I walked out to my spot in the dark. I didn't want to go into the hammock alone for fear of an animal attacking. Wouldn't you know it.. a boar hog ran right passed me in the dark. I thought it was the bear. I thought I needed to buy new underwear.

What I didn't realize I was thinking was that I needed to return to North Carolina and stand on my own to face the "bear". Not relying on anyone to give me my own emotional security. I did one foot out in front of the other. But it took a lot of life lessons prior to this to get to that point. The lessons were far from over.

In the beginning..

I'm not sure when I felt that I was just a little off or a tad bit different than most kids my age. Perhaps it was those stupid tortoise framed glasses my parents put me in. Or the simple fact that I was antisocial for as long as I can remember. I had one friend growing up. No one else wanted to hang around him except for me. From a well to do family, it kind of surprised me. Then again his breath did smell like dog shit every day. I don't know. I didn't care. He accepted me and I him. I'm sure he went off to law school or medical and has more money than God. Hell. He could have even turned out to be a male prostitute pimping himself out on South Beach. I have no clue as is the case with most of the people I knew growing up. I lost touch with him after Elementary. I saw him again years later while in High School. He had two girls on each arm. Honestly, I felt unsuccessful and pathetic. Girlfriendless of course. Such was the story of my life. Chasing others' dreams instead of finding value in self. Jealousy and envy. Who was I? It was the beginning of an adventure that would ultimately paint the collage that is my life today. Ironically, geeky tortoise glasses are back in fad. Thank goodness because I have come full circle wearing them again to paint my collage for you.